Between the Sheets

Do you like laughing? Who doesn’t? It really is true that laughter is the best medicine for a wide range of things - a rough day at work, crabby kids that are getting bored with summer already, anxiety, and so on. So, because you’re all adults, here are some jokes to help you either get on with your day or wind up your day:

Top 10 Things you don’t want your girl to say in bed:

10. See, Monistat doubles as a lubricant
9. Maybe you should put your clothes back on
8. Would you just hold me?
7. Guess you forgot to take your Viagra again
6. Doesn’t it feel natural? My surgeon is a genius
5. Be careful, you’re crushing my crabs
4. Move your head I can’t see the TV.
3. Your dad’s so much better than this
2. If you feel any rough spots, don’t worry, it’s just warts
1. Is it in yet?

Top 10 Things You WISH she’d say after a blowjob:

10. Gee, that’s yummy
9. How much do I owe you?
8. I’m gonna tell all my friends how great you are!
7. You really quenched my thirst
6. Lets pop my cherry next!
5. You make a great pacifier
4. You’re so huge, I could barely get you in my mouth
3. More, please
2. Oops! I spilled some! I’ll just save it for later
1. I’m drinking milk for good

Top 10 Hints She Might Be a Lesbian:

10. Won’t stop searching for your clit
9. Call your penis “putrid man meat”
8. Strange messages from Janet Reno on the answering machine.
7. Vomits every time you have sex
6. Has “Lisa” tattooed on her ass
5. Makes you wear a kd lang mask while you do it
4. Begs you to get breast implants
3. Gets moist at seafood restaurants
2. Yells out your sister’s name during sex
1. Tuna breath

You know, I’m totally baffled by this whole illegal sex toys thing. Yes, in case you haven’t been keeping up, some states, like Mississippi have made sex toys illegal. More specifically, “any device designed to stimulate human genitals.” (according to the Clarion Ledger) So how’s that for mind blowing?

What freaks me out even more is that people are actually taking the time to make calls to the police about potential law breakers that might be selling sex toys. According to WJTV.com, police recieved calls from 12 neighbors that led them to sending undercover policement to the McDowell Adult Bookstore, where they bought illegal sex toys and later arrested the owner.

What I want to know is how they managage to justify spending money on this type of thing when there are drug dealers selling pot, cocaine, and meth to our children and gangs running the streets. Next thing you know people will be getting arrested for using a banana in a manner that it is not supposed to be used in.

Let’s get it through the heads of the puritanical politician assholes that there are worse things to worry about than the sex habits of our neighbors.

It is a common myth that all women are out to get a ring on their finger. All women want a man to take care of them and make them feel special. Slowly that myth is being busted by women all over the world and the world is saying that they are being misled by the media.

Why is it so hard to believe that a woman can enjoy sex just for sex? Men do? Why do people find it so difficult to believe that a woman might want to be single forever and live life on her own terms with no one to answer to? Do they think that there is no relationship that can equal that of a marriage partner?

The thing is is that everyone is different. Some want companionship and some want marriage. Some want marriage for the wrong reasons but they do it anyway. Guys have known this for a long time and they are ok with it. Women are starting to realize that just because “they” say that women are happiest when they are married (even if not a good marriage) doesn’t necessarily mean it is so.

And what do women get when they throw out the preconceived notions of what women need and want? They get labeled as sluts. Should we embrace the label or fight back?

What do you think?

When people are dissatisfied with something physical they go to their doctors. One would think that this would get them educated answers that are in their best interest but this is not always the case. Many times women will go to doctors complaining of depression and the first thing the doc wants to do is give them some pills. Of course, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes doctors actually do take the time to look at their eating and exercise habits, how much they work, and the actual environment they are living in. Unfortunately, this isn’t the norm.

Now, if a woman goes to her doctor and complains about her sex life and the inability to reach orgasm, she may learn about a new medical procedure called the “G-shot”. Yes, you heard right. This new medical procedure “involves a collagen injection into a woman’s anterior vaginal wall to purportedly emphasize sexual sensation from her G-spot.” (Read more about Dr. Carol Queen’s article at Good Vibrations) Kinda scary huh?

Yes, I agree with Dr. Queen that there are women (and men) who can benefit from medical intervention, but when are men going to learn that women need time to get worked up? When are women going to learn that it is ok to ask for what you need? Of course, most of the people that are reading this already know that. Hopefully, someone who does need to know this will stumble upon this, read Dr. Queen’s article, and start questioning doctors that jump on the pill and quick fix bandwagon.

Medicine is not always the answer. Sometimes education and some good old fashioned common sense are invaluable!

So, missionary is way beyond you yet your running out of ideas to try with your partner? Are your creative juices feeling like they are running dry and you feel like your stuck dancing the tango for the rest of you life? Even the tango can get boring if you can’t find any new steps to learn. Don’t worry - it happens to the best of us. Sometimes you just need a little bit of inspiration. Something to get your imagination flowing.

There are a few ways to get some fresh ideas. One of them is through stories and movies and pictures. Yes, porn does have a place in your bedroom. If you’re not into the hardcore stuff you can still find some erotic movies and clips to suit your tastes. One of the places that caters to couples and has some great suggestions for movies for couples is Freddy and Eddie - they have a great selection of DVD’s that they have reviewed with couples in mind. If you browse through their site you’ll also find book reviews, toy reviews, and lots of other fun stuff for couples.

Another great way to get ideas for new things is by reading stories. Read them alone or together. There are many sites of erotic stories to choose from. One of which, of course, is my own Inky Blue Allusions. I’m working on getting some new serials/books going and there is new content going up in the membership sections. There are several free stories to enjoy as well as a free audio story (another great way to get ideas or just to share with a partner). There are many other great sites for stories as well, such as:

The Erotic Woman

Tit-elation

Beastor - the softer side

And let’s not forget toys! There are tons of toy sites available on the net so I’m not even going to go there. Or you can check out your local sex toy store. I promise, they aren’t usually as weird or strange as they are portrayed in the media. In fact, I knew of one just down the street from where I live that was run by this lady that was about 60! And she was just the sweetest thing!

And if you want some new positions? Try these! If any of you are success at any of those I’d love to hear about it!

Porn goes with a lot of things - date night, couples, masturbating, and pizza. Yes, now porn comes with pizza. At least it does if you live in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada!

Winnipeg is not known for very much. They lost their hockey team, the Jets, years ago. Their football, the Blue Bombers, is iffy at best, downtown is not the place you want to be. In fact, the thing they are probably most noted for was being the “murder capitol” of Canada a few years ago. But one guy got smart.

Entrepreneur, Corey Wildeman came up with the idea to put porn pics beneath his pizza pies and it is doing quite well. And it is interesting to find that it is not just the dudes that are getting it delivered - ladies are, too!

Before you get all excited, the pizza is available for delivery only and proof of I.D. is required before delivery. Personally, I think this is the coolest idea ever and I can’t wait to see how it is going go over.

Would you get porn delivered with your pizza?

I found a kinda cool new site that some of you might enjoy called Dear Sugar. Dear Sugar features advice on a wide range of subjects, including sex. This particular advice column is about Golden Showers. The person who wanted advice says her boyfriend wanted her to pee on him for his birthday.

Dear Sugar gave some pretty good advice. She suggested setting limitations and that’s always a good idea upon trying something new. Limitations are good and let your partner know where you stand. Sometimes people who are trying something new like to use a safeword. It’s a good idea to make it something you wouldn’t normally say but something you’ll easily remember.

It’s also a good idea to get familiar with your partner’s requests, in this case, golden showers. If they are asking you to give them a golden shower or they’re asking to give you one, you should be familiar with what you’re getting into. Find out what it involves to them, how they’d go about doing it. Then look it up on the internet. Read about it, watch some videos, maybe read a story or two (there are stories about everything!). Then search for some educational sites.

If after all this, you are still comfortable, you are under no obligation to go ahead with it. Never do anything that you aren’t comfortable with.

If you’re interested in golden showers, here are some starting point links for you:

Gay Water Sports and Golden Showers

Literotica Forum

Wiki After Dark - Give a Golden Shower ** This one especially recommended, good info!

Literotica Story - A Golden Moment

If there was one thing you were going to tell your partner that you need more or less of in bed, what would it be? Now, don’t say nothing because there’s always something.

For many women, they would likely say they’d like their partner to slow down. Pay more attention to other parts of her body - her hips, her belly, the undercurves or side curves of her breasts. Women have many, many erogenous zones (as do men) and they like to have new ones discovered. Slowing down is always a good thing to do at least once in awhile. Some women would prefer that you slow down more often than not but even women that are into harcore, serious, passionate fucking will enjoy a slow down on occassion.

There are many other things you might change:

~ faster sex
~ harder sex
~ softer sex
~ kinkier sex
~ spanking sex
~ etc.

Personally, I’m pretty happy about our sex. Actually, my partner is the best sex partner I’ve ever had and I don’t have anything to complain about. But I would want him to know that it doesn’t always have to take a long time. Sometimes, a quickie is awesome. And sometimes, I like to be “convinced” or should I say seduced. And sometimes, he can take charge and tell me what to do - and ya, I’ll likely do it! I think (hope) he actually knows this now after our recent quick and take charge session! Love ya, hon!

So, now that you’ve read this, go tell your partner what you want more or less of or what you would be interested in once in awhile. Talking and communicating are one of the biggest aphrodisiacs in a relationship!

You’ve had a great day and are in the mood; your partner isn’t…

Can you get them in the mood?

Well, considering we’ve only been together for a little bit more than a year and only married about a month, yes, I can get him in the mood.

If so, how?

Gentle tickling, rubbing his hand, a little lick to the ear … and if all that fails, I simply take off my clothes!

If not, do you take matters into your own hands? And what props (toys, books, movies) do you use?

If it was really urgent, yes, I’d take matters into my own hands. I haven’t come upon that yet, but I have a nice selection of toys (the bullet is quick and to the point) and well, I write erotica so my imagination and my fingers are the only things I really need. Sometimes I’m in the mood for porn though and I might use one of our subscription sites to find something interesting.

But like I said, so far, it hasn’t come to that!

If you don’t masturbate, what do you do with all that sexual energy?

I’d like pour it into house cleaning. But I’d have to need to get rid of some serious pent up energy to resort to that!

Whether or not you’ve pleasure yourself, do you resent, ‘keep score’ or otherwise negatively note that your partner wouldn’t please you?

I hope that neither of us will ever get to that point. In my previous relationship it got to that for him and the more he kept score the tighter I closed my legs. Relationships aren’t about keeping score. I think if either couple begins to keep score it’s time to start talking.